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I like this story. The story is akin with each other, and doesn't flow off or give useless side stories. Solid in other words. The use of adjectives is well done and gives the reader a good picture of the character and surroundings. I didn't have any trouble picturing her sitting on the snow, and leaning against a pine tree overlooking a bright Persephoneia. Using too many adjectives will just slow down the story, let people use their imaginations. The character's emotions and behaviors are believable, and relatable to some people including me. Although I don't "hate holidays with a passion" I do wish I could find a nice little nook in the wilderness where I could get away from people.

I saw a few spelling and grammatical errors, like "'crushed' berries"and placing another comma behind Jirachi; "It was said that the legendary creature, Jirachi, would..." Also, try not to use the same word in the same sentence or place a comma in the sentence, "...would grant one wish upon one of the wishtags, upon waking from its dormant state." Aside from that, very well done.

To sum it up, story is original and solid, no cracks. The characters are believable and they can also be related to. Nice use of adjectives, it was just the right amount so the reader's imagination could also kick in. A few spelling and grammatical errors, but I assumed that it was because of forgetfulness. Also what is a "dual-colored gaze"? Is it something like Heterochromia iridum? Because that would be AWESOME!
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1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.


LuxIosis Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for taking time to write me a critique. ^^ I'm glad you liked it. For the grammatical errors and whatnot I have a habit of proofreading it real quick so I don't get everything. Not only that but I have a really bad habit of using excess commas. D: I really should get to fixing that haha. Thank you for pointing it out. :)

As for the dual colored gaze, I suppose it could be referred to as heterochromia iridium. I'm not sure if you're familiar with Pokepalace but she's a gijinka and she was fused with the pkmn Lapras. I wrote her initially having hazy blue colored eyes but when she fused with Lapras, one of her eyes adopted the ocean blue color of Lapras, hence the dual colored gaze. I had no idea there was a term for it until I looked it up. :D Happy I learned something~!
ArchetypeEithe Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Ah no problem! I'm glad I was of service!
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